The Sad Man From England

He showed up Saturday night. Sunday he asked where he could find a store and he asked about the night life. He speaks no Spanish. He has no interest in learning Spanish. I have seen him return from the store once. I have seen him go out at night never. He says he's gone to the beach.

He's always in his bed or on the couch nearest his bed alternating between dicking around on his laptop and dicking around on his iPnohe. Sunday night I return ~3am from a girl's apartment he's not goen out. Tuesday night I return ~3am from a girl's apartment1 and he's not gone out at night yet. He's tall, fit, English, and afraid to make eye contact with the Brasilian chick in the bed next to his porque ele não fala português. I am short, hairy, midwestern, and girls buy me coffee.2

Please tell me stories about how technology is "connecting people" and making lives better, and how this Englishman is a capable man with the qualities of his ancestors that colonized much of the world.


  1. It turns out 14 words are a great icebreaker here, especially if the girl's got some color to her.  

  2. Occasionally even lunch! Thank you Korean girl from Chicago.  

Datacenter Costs

For the glory of the Republic and since its been a while without publishing more recent numbers, here's what the Datacenter is offering me on price:

One full rack: 900 USD/month plus $900 one time set up fee1

For connectivity they have managed to offer a selection of options which all have a $250 installation fee, here's the more interesting options:2

100/100 Mpbs Symmetric: 3037 USD monthly

Or there's asymmetric options (downlink/uplink):

10/100 Mpbs 815 USD monthly

20/100 Mpbs 1092 USD monthly

20/200 Mpbs 1423 USD monthly

Persons interested in harware pricing are welcome to submit specs or particular machines they are interested in. Uruguay lacks a robust market in rackmount computer equipment and thusly machine pricing needs to be investigated on a per machine basis.

 

 


  1. They offer half racks for 700/USD with 700/USD for setup 

  2. slower dedicated lines are available  

And The Residency Process Has Started

A couple days ago I started the process of applying for Residency here. I have an appointment in March to drop off my papers for review, and within a few weeks I will have a local identify card. This is the step I should have taken when I first arrived in much the same way I should have moved outside the US years ago. Residency is the knife that cuts the USG system. Even the initial provisional residency will suffice to cut the gringo paperwork knot, the full rights and priviledges start as soon as the card is issued.

The first thing to know is that nearly everything online in the English language about the process of applying for Residency is out of date. The second thing to know is that Uruguay thirsts for young1 immigrants. The third is that if you've been paying a Veneualan cash under the table for Spanish lessons they will be very interested in assisting the residency process to protect their revenue stream.

To the end of advancing my deUSization I do now have one asset I did not have on arrival. I have a pequeña empresa2 which may be used to satisfy the income requirements for residency and contract with other firms. And there's also the data center eager to do business.

The other upside is that the disappointing educational experience of my disappointment with the consultora has allowed time to develope greater fluency in Spanish, a more clear impression of the locals,3 and connections to non-Anglophone expat communities.4 Footwork continues, but there is still quite a distance before real shoes and vacations to the saltwater beaches on the East Coast are earned.


  1. Under 60 years of age  

  2. This is a local sort of unipersonal business popular among Uber drivers and acquired at a cost greater than these things should have.  

  3. largely idle, excessively risk averse  

  4. Access to the Venezualan expat community is opening, slowly.  

Unsanitarily Close – Tres Generaciones, Una Cita

A warning to note.

As many adventures do this started with a search for un chica que no habla Ingles para practicar Espanol. Early on there were warning signs, after recieving the no uncommon request over the ever ubiquitous WhatsApp "Send a video message speaking English and waving to my mom", I assume the girl is securing a babysitter through the magic of showing that gringos really do exist.1 Unfortunately they had other ideas.

I arrive at the Tres Cruces Bus Terminal and Shopping Mall a fashionable 15 minutes late, only to be informed my date will be 45 minutes late. Given the delay and my recent rereading I decide to case the joint for points of egress in case my worst fear at the time, that the girl was a secret internet fatty, was realized.

Instead there was a more disturbing surprise. The girl's mother arrived with her granson in tow and the girl I intended to meet/meat was merely incidentally there. The Dominican girl actually looked better than I inferred from her fotos, but the presence of her mom completely negated that. I leaned on my super power of "Yo entiendo mas que yo hablo" and while the mother was speaking too freely, I looked at the vast gulf between the two women's appearances and the ravages age wrought on the mother. Thusly I concluded the presently cute girl would become hideous beyond local standards within a mere 18 months.

I only had to play stupid for 3 minutes as mom gloated about their great fortune when opportunity arrived. The mother became enamoured with the idea of sitting 5 minutes in a coin operated massage chair for 30 pesos, and the mother and daughter made a tremendous show of not finding their peso coins.2

At that point fully aware that asciilifeform's scent theory was confirmed, I helpfully handed over 3 pesos. Y entonces:

Donde Esta el baño?

No sé?

Gringo makes a show of looking around curiously, spots sign and points

Ah, allí! Me voy! *thumbsup*

Y entonces a daring escape ensues. The predators were uncumbered by their footwear, an infant, and the pesos already sunk into the coin operated massage chair. I had the priviledge of superior footwear. After turning into the hallway that leads stairs that lead to the baño or the parking garage, I went down to the garage and exited the mall with 1 minute and 45 seconds remaining on the chair. I walked a few blocks, blocking lines of communication along the way, and hired a car to return my body to more familiar portions of the city.

The rest of the night before bedtime was spent walking just myself and my priviledge ogling girls, terrorizing adolescent males with my presence, and pondering the process of cannabis induced cultural ossification.


  1. Note that you should never send a Latina a dick pic because her mother has certainly seen bigger, more impressive, etc.  

  2. Forget the sock full of quarters improvised weapon. You really want a sock full of Uruguayan 10 peso coins. They also accumulate faster than quarters.  

Reading Russell's Wasp In Montevideo

While the waiting winds down and more doing approaches, what better way to burn some time than re-reading a TMSR endorsed classic in a new locale. It's amazing how much a change in local can change the reading.

The text also provides a pallet for examining the local people. What does a population that embraces endemic cannabis use become? Passive, muy tranqui. What doesn't phaze in Montevideo? Political agitprop, Graffiti, and the sound or smell of gunpowder.1 Agitation, provocation, action… those things don't really happen here. An then there's the part where the locals there are at war against foreigners in the book while here in irl there's deep love for the extranjeros.

The book's protagonist underwent cosmetic procedures to look like the locals. I am in no hurry to dispose of the supreme status symbols that are my tan lines. Anyways, still a good read, even though my intentions are to love Uruguay myself rather than turn the place over to others.2 In a battle of empire vs empire, why rush to save either?


  1. Not because shootings are common, they aren't. The city's main newspapers will give isolated shootings in far flung provinces front page treatment in a complete reversal from how the newspapers covered violence back home. The comfort comes from the ever ubiquitous fuegos artificiales.  

  2. While the easy to find commentaries on the text suggest Alien empire was evil, what of the Protagonist's side?  

Una Bandida Robo Mi Escalera De Cama – Un Historia Para Todos Edades

En la noche de Lunes me voy a dormir. A las tres me despierto. Tengo que hacer pipi. Alguien robo mi escalera! En este dormitorio solo chicas y yo esta noche. Es un juego muy peligroso que juegan estas chicas, robar mi escalera. Llamo por telefono y un voluntario de hostal toma una escalera de una cama de una chica para permitirme salir.

Despues de hacer pipi encuentro la escalera que falta. Una chica muy estupida movio la escalera y la convirtio en un toallero lejos de las camas. La proxima tarde las escaleras fueron atornillada a las camas. La noche pasada, nadie me robo mi escalera.

The Boingo ISP December 2017 Monthly Statement

Bitcoin Incoming and Outgoing
Incoming Outgoing
Description Value Description Value
Total 0 Total 0

 

Leperolade Incoming and Outgoing
Incoming Outgoing
Description Value Description Value
Hostel December Rent1  513 USD
 Hostel January Rent  589 USD
 Rent – Office  3272
 Accountant – Business Setup  890 USD
Total  0 Total 2319 USD3

 

Assets
Account 1.12.17 Net Change 1.1.18
Cash 0 0 0
Tangilbles 0.514 -0.31 0.25
Intangibles and Goodwill 06 0.8 0.87

 

Liabilities
Account 1.12.17 Net Change 1.1.18
Mircea Popescu 18 0 1

This statement will be signed and submitted to deedbot after the end of January 2nd and end before beginning of January 5th 2018 allowing for time to make corrections necessary to bring the format of this statment into complicance with the prevailing accounting standards. Much more time than I would have liked has gone into becoming a fuctional as a person in Montevideo compared to time going into becoming functional as a business.

No operating revenue has been realized this period. I pray operating revenue may be realized by the end of next period.


  1. December 6th – December 31  

  2. USD value went down against the peso 

  3. This month all expenses were made out of the tangibles rather than cash account  

  4. This sum is the 4990 USD listed in the Novemebr 2017 statement as Leperolade. The sum has been normalized to BTC using the Volume weighted last average price reported by jhvh1 of 9700 The change in accounting has been done to bring this venture in line with the prevailing accounting standard

  5. 2671 USD remaining of the gangsta roll normalized to Volume weighted last average price 13263 USD/BTC reported jhvh1, hopefully a better price signal emerges  

  6. This line was not included in the previous statement, and presence in Montevideo had not been achieved.  

  7. The intangibles figure includes a network switch and server of yet to de determined utility which passed through airports of a rogue state in checked luggage.  

  8. This is the same debt listed in the initial statement  

Asado, Fuegos, y Feliz: A New Year In Montevideo

Following a meeting of my other cult, I began the search for a stand still open and selling fuegos. During the walk I passed numerous cambios and they were split between 1.10/1.80 and 1.10/1.90 on compra/venta for the Argentine Peso. After a few kilometers, one lonely vendadora con fuegos was located in front of the devoto and a mortar with six shells were had. When I returned to the hostel with my fuegos, there was substantial joy.1

Finally, after more than 3 weeks of waiting there were finally sufficient Argentines populating the hostel to get some Spanish practice, though this was probably a side effect of most of the Brasileros having the means to venture to Punta Del Este. They cooked delicious Asado and were amazed by tales of how Estados Unidos is not as rich as it pretends to be. I explained that meat this delicious from cows that ate grass could not be had in the United States at anywhere close to the same price, that while gasoline es muy barrato insurance for a car es muy caro, but the revelation clicked for them when the discussion turned to construction methods and building materials. They were familiar with pictures of tornadic destruction, and had long been puzzled by where the houses went. When I explained with a picture that the sticks and trash were what the houses were made out of it clicked.

After the Asado the party shifted to the hostel roof where there was a toast2 and the girls danced while everyone watched the fireworks. Compared to the Navidad the New Years display was much more intense, concentrated into a shorted span of time. As is typical of gatherings the world over, the girls tried lure the guys to dance while the guys shyly watched, waiting for a girl to pick them up and make everything happen for them. Incidentally, that appears to be usually how those things happen here. Similarly there's surprise when the man ends things because the girl's honesty and ideas failed to calibrate to the scale opportunity while being blinded to the existence of the buffet that is other pretty girls of ergonomic height and weight.

 


  1. A tremendous advantage of being the sober fellow at the hostel is your reliability. Small gestures make a big impact. The occasional candies for the free for all bin, willingness to offer rare language practice as a Native English speaker, a little humility, and leveraging your advantages goes a long way.  

  2. Naturally my toast was water  

Three Weeks In Montevideo: Superpowers and Handicaps of The Extranjero Engaged in Long Term Hostel Living

On this, the Mid Western Rube's 22nd day in Montevideo it is time to take an inventory of the powers and handicaps possessed by the extranjero in Montevideo. First the superpowers:

  • Superior mapping. Unburdened by familiarity with the bus system the gringo walks far and wide surveying the earth. Locals and Brasileros alike are astounded when you can offer a shorter path to their destination that involves a 15-30 minute walk rather than a 20 minute bus wait and who knows how long on bus. Mapping supremacy is aided by a street grid that tilts to accommodate the coastline, once awareness of how key thoroughfares are aligned is had, the rest of a neighborhood's layout falls into place.
  • Eye contact supremacy. Much as the ground can be surveyed, so too can be the human landscape. When walking amongst people as opposed to hamplanets, this exercise can be most revealing. Whose curiosity is piqued by the 5'7" gringo with bad teeth and an impressive beard? The pretty girls. Who is embarrassed that this is the moment they share a sidewalk with an extranjero that isn't yet another Brasilero spending the weekend aca? Most of the pretty girls. Whose self worth collapses in the presence of the gringo with a full beard? Young males of trouble making age.
  • Entiendo mas que hablo: Have you ever had the pleasure of going to the cinema, attracting a mixed gender crowd of young cinema employees astonished any extranjero would visit a cinema, acquired a ticket, and then watched the ample color completely drain from a young boy's face when you raise an eyebrow because you caught him trying to refer to you as a woman without the stupid extranjero noticing. The laughing did not disambiguate the way he expected.
  • The surprising rapidity of the transition from visitor to presence: The transition from receiving advise to not visit the Ciudad Vieja at night to telling the hostel staff to make eye contact with every stranger who approaches them and gifting them the knowledge of exactly how far away and in which direction from the tourist areas prices return to sanity happened far faster than I expected. Also, gifting ~15 dollars worth of super market sandwiches to those at the hostel who did not anticipate the extent to which the city would be closed on Navidad appears to have generated substantial good will.
  • Full beard: Here even many of the people who appear to have the ability to grow a full beard still crop it close for some reason, likely "fashion" or some other shit.
  • Solid walking boots: In a corner of the world where the old men wear petite mass market leather shoes and the young boys wear basket ball inspired brands of plastic foot covering, the difference a solid pair of leather work boots provides makes a substantial social impression. Not to mention the confidence provided by a self cleaning lug pattern and non-slip sole. Woe to the under shod fellow who on the ceramic tile stretches of sidewalk encounters a dog turd. And then there's the biomechanics and commanding stride encouraged by these same boots.
  • Social access: Living in a hostel and making my office in a coworking facility, I have social access to people. Some more transient, some more rooted to the city. When it was time to find a teacher for Spanish lessons, this made all the difference between parting with 1000 pesos (~30+ USD) per hour and parting with 300 pesos (~10 USD) an hour.
  • Yo se que yo puedo tener hambre: Going to a foreign land with a gansta roll and a mission to start a new chapter in life, the lazing about of the vacationers and the stability in the routines of the employed locals has the potential to lure the self guided agent of the Republic into sloth and unproductive compliance. Remaining acutely aware that the gansta roll is a finite resource renewable only through directed goal oriented activity has been paramount to anchoring my activities to sanity and purpose. Eating a bit less food, putting a bit of time between meals, and knowing the actual hambre can develop and interest in me has been solid motivation to ward off delusions of choice.
  • Communion with The Most Serene Republic: Nothing in this world can substitute for the leverage that becomes available from having history and voice in the Republic.

Handicaps:

  • Occasionally there's a surprise and inconveniently timed vocabulary lesson. Is there a good time to learn from una chica the meaning of celos?1
  • My US passport, rarely in history has a single document scared so many banks.
  • Not starting this part of the adventure that is life two years ago.
  • I still have ideas. For example the one where I though an abogado was the correct professional to midwife a company birth and lost a week of waiting for the locals to digest paperwork that was instead spent trying to find the right kind of professional to oversee that process.
  • My ears still bias towards preferring to try decoding Portuguese when it is being spoken in close proximity to Spanish. This is abating, slowly.
  • Local tolerance and patience present opportunities to practice poor language habits. For this reason, structured Spanish lessons have proven essential. Few things here appear to be more rare or valuable than persons capable and willing to deploy humiliation, particularly the necessary educational sort.

Bonus Update Handicap:

  • Attempting to recover from monolingualism as an adult in a trilingual space is mentally taxing. My error rate in writing my native language has increased substantially compared to last month.

  1. The good time that follows una media hora mas tarde makes up for the inconvenience.  

Other Assorted Trivia On Navidad In Uruguay

  • Contrary to pantsuit parroting, the locals refer to Navidad as Navidad and not "family day" as derps like the Guardian, HufflePost, et al insist.
  • They burn Judas here, and you see anti communist propaganda scattered about declaring the hammer and sickle is the same as the Star of David. An attempt will be made to photograph one this afternoon if any survive the tourism cleanup brigade which polices the streets for trash.
  • The cleanliness of Montevideo's streets is the result of substantial action to make them clean. After two days where the cleanup patrols rested, substantial trash has accumulated.
  • Two members of the hostel staff report that the day before Navidad some banditos attempted to rob them while they sat outside a pizzaria enjoying some vino. The banditos mode of operation was asking them to hand over their shit, which was followed by touching the shoulder of one of the hostel staff members. The hostel staff, armed with their drinking glasses handily defeated the unarmed banditos who apparently lacked even sufficient hambre to menace.
  • On Christmas eve the presence and aggression of beggars was increased, but still falls far below nuissance presented by their counterparts in old country.
  • Behold the exchange rates on Christmas:Oh my, a nearly 45 percent difference between compra y venta for the Argentine peso. Toxicfact!