The Italian Problem: A Brief History Of Uruguay

There are too many of them here. They look white and they think they are people. The Italian population in Uruguay are an endemic nuissance. Before the Italians arrived in mass, Uruguay had a population under 100,000 persons. The country people and the city people would routinely gather a thousand or so folks for each side and work through their problems. Eventually they teamed up with Brazil and Argentina to wreck Paraguay's shit and ensure regional stability. This was a country of men doing men things.

Then the Italians came at the end of the 19th century. By the 1960's the Italian problem had grown to the point they were engaging in terrorism, and trying to do the communist revolution thing that is working out so well for Venezuela. The commie scumm did shit like steal a bunch of shit, get arrested, say it was because "X lives matter", get thrown in Punta Carretas prison1, and break out starting the cycle over. By 1972 the country had to adopt a civilian-military "dictatorship" in order to contain the problem.

A decade later, thinking the commie problem was solved, the dictatorship ended peacefully and every referendum the surviving commies pushed to punish the patriots has been soundly defeated.


Since democracy was restored the hundreds of weirdo Italian-Uruguayo political parties decided to unite in one coalition. The Frente Amplio, fat forehead en Ingles, was the result. Its only unifying thread is not being either of the two historical Uruguayo parties from Uruguay's brief period as a wild and cool frontier place.

  1. Today Punta Carretas Shopping  

4 Months In Montevideo

In a few hours it will have been 4 months since I first arrived in Montevideo. The past few days have beena return to almost summer weather, but the days keep getting shorter. Still living in the same hostel. Ergonomic girls are still good for a boost to the mood,1 but the general misery of the Uruguayo people continues to wear. Or maybe it's the distance from civilized AA wearing on the soul.

I look forward to December and the tourist influx relegating the Uruguayos to the shadows for a few months, but I'm not thrilled about more Brasileros either. Brasileras are fine, but the effete accent from near Sao Paulo makes the guys sound like huge faggots. Fat burned there isn't much room in the budget for terraforming or entertainment. Just have to keep grinding away and keep the burgeoning meat wot going.

At least Qntra's online, and there's management keeping from having to stress on the management of Pizarro even if I am stuck and bound in the geographic center of Pizarro. The irony of course is that having finally left the Middle West I understand why people go on vacation. And here I am having agreed to stay here for $600 a month of pocket money and a hostel bed in South America's most expensive city with what appear to be its most miserable people. Of course there may be some selection bias there as the people I meet from the rest of the continent are the ones cool enough to take vacations or immigrate. And thus questions like "How much fun would Peru be as worshipful as their girls in exile are of my gringoness" have to get tabled.

I neither want to go home nor do I want to be bound to Uruguay forever. Leaving this beef behind would be hard. The market for fun human shaped girls is much better in Uruguay. Back home medical expenses were ruinous. Here when shit breaks good luck finding a replacement.

All in all life is still a mixed bag. It would be nice if there were more baseball latinos and less football latinos here.

  1. Logistic however have become more challenging since I promised to stop banging girls in the CoWork bathroom.  

Milestones In Language Immersion

There are very few truly concrete milestones I have encountered in my language immersion experience. However as time marches on speaking this language is getting easier. Whatever happened to those GAW people?

As this goes along I am continuing to take lessons, each new batch of strangers at the hostel meets a gringo more fluent in Spanish than the last did. By mid february the tables have turned and I have gone from the gringo overwhelmed by other English speaker's midling Spanish to being the gringo that overwhelms with midling Spanish.

  • Eventually on day 97 in the country I navigate a meeting at Migracciones. Error rate while conjugating verbs at speaking speed is still uncomfortably high, but once again luck and charm save the day.
  • Sometime over the past two weeks something just clicked. "Language exchange" type dates have started failing into strictly Spanish, and I have been able to reliably extract the right kinds of giggles out of Northern South American obligate Spanish speaking girls. The local sense of humor is still opaque, but in a country of immigrants that isn't a high priority at the moment. Not with the things the Peruanas will do for a gringo.

There is still a long way to go until mastery of the language. Or educated literacy. Still taking 5 hours of private lessons a week, but… contrary to the value of the lessons appears to be going up as there is more Spanish language in my head to support boluses of new material.

Sure, every now and then I lose all my vowels in one or both languages. Or a girl will ask me if I am married and I respond in the affirmative because I though she was asking if I was tired. That last one's happened quite a few times, but it is nice having enough language to playfully make the save.

Migracciones: A+++ Customer Service

Today was the uneventually big day where I finally had my appointment at Migracciones in order to begin getting the papers. The papers which would allow for deprecating the empire's set of papers without having a mature latino meatwot.

Pictured is the National Institute of Colonization, about a block and a half from Migracciones.

When I arrived, they had conventiently lost my appointment reservation. Thankfully I had my receipt from the Abitab where I paid for the Tramite in advance, or else I likely would have fallen into will call status waiting like the Dominicans. Instead I was rather promptly handed over to the services of una gordita, just young enough her skin had yet to suffer the coming damage weight accelerates.

For the price of making some eye contact and tossing a few smiles, she dug through my pile of papers and made things happen without the usual local obstructionism. My apostilled birth certificate? No need to find a "certified public translator" and that today was 7 days after the initial 90 days that automatic visa on arrival covers was not a thing asked about. I did however have to leave to to acquire a photograph of myself from a kiosk a block and a half away aptly named "Foto Carnet", and there are still other papers to be acquired1 before the application can be reviewed.

The next step is the Office of National Identification and in the near future2 a cedula of my own.

  1. A "Carnet Salud", One FBI Background check via INTERPOL, and three months of documents showing I have sufficient income to not starve here.  

  2. Apparently they need a week or so to print them  

Receiving A Guest In Montevideo

While we await the report and pictures from Señor Vulpes, a few quick thoughts on recieving a guest here in Montevideo:

  1. Skipping the hostel was a solid move, it appears the recent hostel pest left some other more familiar pests behind when he departed. War, war never changes.
  2. Many theatics were observed in the wild including the profound changes in body language and posturing that occur in mid-heirarchy Latinos when the boss comes around.
  3. On the morning Señor Vulpes arrived, a cambio in the Montevideo Shopping was robbed. The local papers report 2 Millones (archived), currency unspecified were taken.
  4. Meals ranged the spectrum from gas station sanwiches to steaks at a Parilla.
  5. Only a very small portion of the city by geography was explored on this outing.
  6. Management was subjected viewing an excessive amount of caffeine consumption.
  7. Super Mercado Winn Dixie

Notes From Observing A Latino Junkie On Vacation

Today I celebrate the departure of a god damned junkie from my hostel. An illustration to set the stage:

The creature made its nest on the bottom bunk pictured during a happier time, and pulled down blankets from the bunk above to create a crude sort of privacy screen. There the creature spent the majority of its time passed out.

  • The thing's arrival was heralded by the stain turning on and off the room light repeatedly between the hours of 1:00 and 3:00, an anomalously egregious behavior by Latino standards. This was the initial sign the creature carried defects beyond stupidity.
  • Latino junkies appear to be diurnal creatures. Apart from slow clumsy windows of activity from 9:00 through 10:00 and 22:30 through 1:45, the junkie remained sequestered in its den.
  • During periods of activity the junkie lacked fine and gross motor control.
  • Unlike the recreational cannabis users endemic to Uruguay, the IV drug injecting junkie favored an elaborate water pipe.
  • Other latinos nominally attempted socialization with the junkie, largely unaware of the degree of its profoundly ill and nonsapient condition.
  • This naturalist limited interactions with the stain to disapproving glares and grunts. The creature had opportunities to observe myself being cordial with persons. This successfully reinforce Bingo avoiding behavior, and reinforced its lower status.
  • The only physical evidence observed of its IV drug other than the scabby and emaciated condition of its body was a syringe cap located on the floor of the room yesterday.

The thing has now gone. I can't reasonably guess what its intentions were taking a vacation to see all the sights in a bottom bunk, but until I confirmed its departure, I had a growing suspicion it arrived at the hostel to finish dying.

Back To The Fat Accountancy Discussion

Continuing from the last post, the fat account is the sum total of all value personally accessible to me which has not explicitedly been committed committed to the enterprise. At a time when the naive Bingo who had never left the reservation thought he could get off the plane in early December and bring the republic online before Christmas, end of the month at the latest, and start bringing in revenue… It made all the naive sense in the world to charge food,1 Spanish lessons,2 skirt chasing, etc to the fat waiting for revenue to outrun expenses.

Then reality hits. All of sudden its February, just got online still no revenue from which to draw a salary, you're posting pictures and the manager you have never met notices you have lost weight and offers a per diem. Sure, by the middle of the month everything's blown up and by the end of month things have come together again. Not where I expected when I got off the plane, but not in a bad position.

For having expended the fat I have acquired the foundations for building a life outside the wire. And then there's the education. Yesterday I got to deploy the magic words "… por efectivo" for savings over the firm's catalogue prices. I can inject commentary about mis huevos into conversations. I also have had a number of conversations with people whose only impression of the empire is… Miami… through second and third hand reports. I get to answer the question of where I live with the name of my hostel rather than the place I happen to have came from. Sure, my clothes are still looser, no point replenishing the literal fat too aggressively while the metaphorical fat sits leaner. For the return on investment, this expendature of fat a much better deal than US college was in both time and money.

Thankfully my fellows in the Republic are Republican enough to birth Pizarro, and I am still in Montevideo as history has actually flown this past month instead of in Illinois as it could have flown.

  1. The first week or so while I was still learning pesos are real money hurt a bit more on this line item than time after adjusting to pesos as money  

  2. 300 pesos and hour over three 1.5 hour lessons a week for 1500 pesos weekly or ~53.5 US Dosiedoes weekly  

Burning Fat and Intangibles: Thoughts On AN0 And Pizarro

The new management has taken the great leap of publishing their first draft monthly statement and entered the wonderful world of Republican AN0 accounting. It has been a long journey from hammering out the simple Qntra reports to the directionless November 2017 BBISP statement and eventually to the production of an AN0 compliant December Statement. Part of the transition was the shift to actually working off of the non-zero asset corporation guidelines, instead of trying to reverse engineer them from the statements of MPEx listed ventures. Another part was confronting many of the really hard questions the format demands:

  • Wat do about dose Unified Standard Dosiedoes? In spite of so many expenses being demominated in them, there rightly wasn't the sort of confirmed 2-way liquidity necessary to count them as cash. Thusly they fell into tangibles.
  • Hardware was another tough question. If we were talking about FUCKGOATS with an emerging market denominated in BTC, then it would have made sense to lump them in with tangibles, but… the hardware in question was the network switch and a unbranded server which now is home to Qntra and Pizarro's www presence. Both could expect to be traded through same chain of transactions to BTC. For it having moved, the value the switch could bring through being traded for USD has appeared to have increased though the replacement cost has risen as well. Thusly I sorted them into the intangibles, illiquid unless the venture changes hands… and thankfully it has!
  • Doing business publicly with Mircea in the logs had many pleasant side effect including being able to link to debts in the statement where exactly they were incurred. The logs also carry in the reminder of the lessons learned from baking the wrong documents at the wrong time. And then there are the gems you find browsing the wrong month's logs looking for the right link.
  • Publishing earlier rather than later allows for revision before signing the statement and committing it as a deed.

As management in the person of the honorable ben_vulpes published their first draft of Pizarro's first statment there are indeed questions. A number of these questions are open. There is however one question from directed towards management, which I would like to provide clarity to.

5. why did you consolidate overhead (such as office space rental) into payroll ?

The short reason is that ensuring Bingo's presence related bills due at the end of February for March rents would be provided for, asciilifeform in consultation with other members of the consortium to build Pizarro sent myself 1800 USD via Western Union. Fiat side concerns other than keeping the lights on in the cabinet and making sure Bingo doesn't starve haven't yet recieved much attention yet compared to making sure the Republican side of Pizarro is viable and sanely constructed. By the time the February Pizarro statement is in shape to be signed and deeded, the Republican questions of how to organize and account for Pizarro should be settled leaving the fiat side mess for cleanup.

On the fiat side a number of questions are open. Does management want to continue using me personally as a passthrough on everything, or do they want to split the datacenter from the other Bingo/Presence expenses and bring in a fiat side corp incorporated in a saner land to paper contract Bingo's services. I lean towards the later option for a number of reasons.

  1. The US Passport problem has been a tremendous headache with the banking, and being able to demonstrate 1700-1800 USD a month in income with paper invoices is the sort of thing that can be very helpful making the case for residency. That a substantial chunk of that goes to having a desk, etc for the benefit of Pizarro need not be of any importance so long as receipts can be shown that Bingo is bringing in foreign income a smidge above the median household income and triple the adult mean per capita income.
  2. If the contract for the rack can be moved to a foreign corp there just might be a away for a better accountant to cut some of the sting VAT incurs.
  3. Booking incoming cash for rack payments as income to me with which I pay for the rack as opposed to counting the cash which paid for the rack in my name as the loans they rightly are could lead to a lot of local tax liability unearned by the locals.
  4. The 1700-1900 USD in monthly invoices range seems to hit the magic sweet spot that looks like a life supporting income range while also staying under the cap for my current "pequeña empressa" unipersonal business structure and its favorable tax treatment. The irony in redeeming the 900 USD fucking in December as a way for Pizarro to realize savings by providing an avenue to minimize local libailities seems delicious on its face.
  5. Lumping the recurring expenses into a single "payroll" line item does not preculde Pizarro management's ability to leave a pile of fiat in care of Bingo for incidental, bulky, or or heavy purchases that come along.

However these questions are open questions upon which management may make decisions. On that note with GMT -3 making bedtime approach rapidly, the discussion of accounting fat hinted at in the title will have to wait until tomorrow, or depending on the number of questions maybe even later.

Useful Things For Hostel Living

Here are a few simple things that help to maintain a sanitary and reasonably civilized standard of living in a hostel's dormitory environment:

  • A Bag For Dirty Laundy: I ended up locally acquiring a cheap small woven nylon duffle bag for this purpose. All it has to do is be somewhat breathable and not be one of the bags containing the clean clothing. All sorts of luggage advise using a mesh compartment inside for this purpose. That might work for travelers who are returning to a different home, where you are compeletely emptying the luggage afterwards and likely laundering everything. When you are using a piece of luggage as a wardrobe, the seperation afforded by a different bag for laundry is necessary.
  • Bug Spray: Before departing for a new continent I soaked all my luggaged with the heaviest duty non-organophosphate pesticides I could find with agents covering all stages of the lifecycle of common travel pests. Springing for the nice shit with agents that work against permethrin resistant critters was a wise decision.1 Likewise any new bags, like the laundry bag above get soaked with a locally acquired flea and tick spray before entering the hostel. The idea is making your shit the most hostile place for the fuckers to settle down. It also doesn't hurt to spritz inside the laundry bag before handing it off to the front desk for laundering.
  • A backpack: Not a giant thing requiring a frame, but a schoolbook sized thing which meets the airline "personal item" size requirement winning you a second carry on. I ended up acquiring mine locally however. This carries the items you need to keep on your person that are unwieldy to stuff into pockets. Libros para aprender Español, snacks, tools, etc. The local pussies and Brasileros tend to stuff jackets in theirs because they feel cold when the sun goes down. Another item to thoroughly soak in bug spray.
  • Zippered vinyl bank bags: When carrying cash across borders they convey you are confidently not hiding shit up your ass, and when you settle down you will discover that you rapibly accumulate a fuckton of heavy coins. You need a place you can keep them that isn't going to be destroyed by their heft. You might also accululate other trinkets and miscellanea that needs sorting.
  • Libros para aprender Español. These are surprisingly hard to find in the local bookstores as are libros para aprender Ingles.
  • A lock for your locker.


  1. A problem since remediated for the time being, but given the tourist turnover you never know which dirty motherfucker is going to bring in a new crop of pests.